Showing posts with label #3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #3. Show all posts

Monday, August 25, 2003

Fertile Ground #3


INSIDE

FROM THE TRENCHES
Soil Chart by Stacey Greenberg
The Birth of Stacey and Tracey (April 11, 1972) by Julie Greenberg

THE REAL DIRT
Machinery I Have Loved by Stacey Greenberg
Nature Versus Nurture Versus Dirty Dishes by Ashley Harper
Some Thoughts on Extended Nursing from a Pregnant Mama by Stacey Greenberg
Being a Devoted Mother Needs No Excuses by Kristy Dallas Alley
The Anatomy of a Supper Club by Stacey Greenberg

FERTILIZER
Herbie-The Interview by Christoph Meyer and Lisa Moster
Simply Marvelous by Samantha Morin
My Mother by Desha Kelly
My Son, the Dog by Stacey Greenberg
A Puzzlin’ Situation by Joanne Tucker-Turnage
Restaurant Review: Ace’s Chicago Pizza by Andria Brown
Book Review: Andrea Buchanan’s Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It by Stacey Greenberg
Zine Recommendations by Stacey Greenberg

IN THE FIELD
A Slice of Memphis Mama Life by Stacey Greenberg
The Inactive Person’s Guide to Pre-Natal Workouts by Andria Brown
My First Peace Rally by Stacey Greenberg
Redefining Family by Adrianne Moore

RUTS INTO FURROWS
Thoughts on the Art of Waiting by Jara Arhabi
Unschooling in the Old Forest Trails by Stacey Greenberg
My Perfect Day by Kristin McPherson
Unbirth by Stacey Greenberg

Soil Chart

Soil Chart
Stacey Greenberg

Since issue #3 is so late, I thought I’d pop in and explain a bit. First off, Hi! Thanks for buying/reading my zine. I have a lot of fun putting it together and am amazed at how many I end up selling/trading. I hope this zine sticks around for awhile and continues to grow as I do. I welcome submissions and love hearing from my readers both by email and snail mail.

Ok, the lateness. In my defense, the second issue was actually kind of early making the lateness of #3 seem much worse than it actually is. Ha. I had visions of doing a grand Mother’s Day issue, then those thoughts turned to possibly celebrating Father’s Day, but now I’m seeing the theme, if there is one, as “A Long Summer.”

So what have I been doing, other than trying to get this puppy out on time...Well, I had a massive undertaking called the Mamaphiles. It is a compilation zine with contributions from nearly every mama zinester I know, including the well known Ariel Gore, Ayun Halliday, and Bee Lavender. It was an idea that I had that, thanks to the great women at Mamaphonic.com, actually came to fruition. It was quite a task just tracking all the mamas down, let alone formatting all of the submissions, sending drafts out for editing, riding out a few minor dramas, etc. The Mamaphiles’ theme is “birth” and it will be available at several online distros in the very near future. So, yeah, that was big.

I also spent some time contributing to other zines and working on getting my writing published elsewhere. You can now (hopefully) see my work in recent/future issues of these fabulous zines: “Mama Sez No War,” “The Edgy-catin’ Mama,” “The Deep South Mouth,” “Are We There Yet,” “Lone Star Ma,” and “Wrinkle.” I also had a piece published in a glossy new magazine called “Pandora’s Box.” And I have a few things online at Philosophicalmom.com and Imperfectparent.com. Not bad, huh? I have recycled a few of those endeavors here to give you a late, but super fat, issue #3.

Outside of my writing life, I celebrated my fourth wedding anniversary, my son’s first birthday, my thirty-first birthday, my second Mother’s Day, and a new pregnancy. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage recently, and I am still trying to heal/adjust. That’s where “Fertile Ground” comes in. I can’t think of a better way to start healing than to write about what happened and share it with others. See “Unbirth” for a good cry. In this issue you will also find some great essays and poems, the story of my birth (written by my mom on my 30th birthday), and an interview by Christoph Meyer (the only daddy zinester I know). You may notice more and more ads in Fertile Ground, but I assure you that all the ad space is provided for free and all of the businesses advertised here are well worth supporting!

Thanks for being patient and I hope that #3 was worth the wait.

The Birth of Stacey and Tracey (April 11, 1972)

The Birth of Stacey and Tracey (April 11, 1972)
Julie Greenberg


The skinny on fraternal twins is that they are born every other generation and the tendency to have them is inherited through the Mother’s Father’s side of the family. And so it was with me and my cousins.... the right generation and the tendency intact.

When I was about 15, we were having a very rare (I remember this one only) dinner at my Uncle Ned’s house. All of my cousins on my Father’s side of the family were there - four plus me and all of them older. The dinner conversation got around to the fraternal female twins in the family and the fact that it would be the right generation for one of us to have twins. My cousins were quick to act and said rather adamantly, “Not me, not me, not me, not me, I won’t have twins!” I was quite shy - these people were basically strangers - but I pulled myself together and said, “I’ll have the twins.” A woman of my word, I made up my mind then and there that I would and I never wavered.

Having heard that twins were born more readily to women over the age of 30 (probably an old wives’ tale), I never considered the twin thing when I was pregnant with my first daughter. But, as I neared 30 and as I went beyond, I started really concentrating on the PLAN. I read the books, assumed the twin position, coached my body urging two eggs to come tumbling down, checked on the progress being made in controlling the RH negative factor, and persevered until I was finally pregnant at 32.

On my first trip to the doctor, I announced quite confidently that I was having twins and he smiled indulgently at me. Each visit, I tried to get the doctor to confirm what I knew to be true, “I was having twins,” but he put me off saying there was no indication that was the case. I didn’t lose faith until about the seventh month when the doctor, fearing I was going to have a difficult time with the truth, sat me down and said that every sign (who knows what these were in that day of no ultrasound) pointed to my baby being a large boy. Coming from a doctor who had a wall of pictures of twins he had delivered stared me in the face each time I went to his office, I wondered if all of that experience could mean he knew something I didn’t know. Surely not!

What a blow! My husband and daughter did not take the boy news well. We all wanted a girl baby (and I, of course, wanted two girls). We were devastated. It just couldn’t be. For a while we couldn’t talk about it. We even stopped picking out names.

Two of my daughter’s classmates’ mothers were pregnant - all of us due around the same time. When the second mother delivered a girl, Leslie came home and urged me to hurry up and have our baby before they ran out of girls - we’re a stubborn bunch.

I was very close to full term and had gained only 22 pounds. I felt great but was a little unsteady on my feet. All of my extra weight had settled in my stomach leaving me looking very thin everywhere else and very unpregnant if you saw me from behind. The doctor said I was having a very big baby and told me he wanted to induce on Monday if I didn’t go into labor over the weekend - a precaution to make certain the baby didn’t get too large to ensure a safe delivery.

My husband went to play poker on Sunday night to calm his nerves and Monday morning he came home to get me for the trip to the hospital. My mother took Leslie to school and then met us at the hospital.

The nurses did all of the standard prep work, gave me the drip to induce, and a shot for pain - although there was hardly any. After several hours of lying around, My husband got a call saying that there had been a robbery at one of his stores. Having assured him I was hours from delivery, he went off to see what had happened. He had no more left the room when the doctor came in, took a look and said we were ready to go. I can remember saying in amazement, “Now?”

I had talked with the doctor about watching. For some reason with Leslie, I didn’t seem to have a choice and so I wasn’t going to miss anything this time. He assured me I could keep my glasses on and they set up a very large reflector-type mirror so I could watch. It was a bit like following a bizarre TV show.

The anesthesiologist came in and gave me a spinal - so I could be awake - and he positioned his chin on my shoulder so he could see the birth along with me - at my eye level. It was a very unusual sensation - this strange man nestled in my neck watching this very personal experience which truly didn’t seem like it was happening to me.

As the doctor was about to start, a flock of students poured into the back of the room. He had invited them in to observe. It felt like the whole city was there - everyone except my husband, and my mother who was confined to the waiting room.

My “neck-buddy” and I watched intently in the big mirror and saw the doctor digging around. He suddenly pulled out a baby, proudly held it up, and said, “Here it is.” One of the students shrieked, “Oh, it looks just like the daddy,” and the anesthesiologist and I twisted around so quickly to find the source of this comment, we almost spun out of position. I asked what it was, and the doctor reluctantly said, “A girl.” I guess he didn’t like being wrong after all of our heated discussions. I just couldn’t believe it. The baby was tiny and so she was placed in an incubator by my side. While I was contemplating this amazing turn of events, the doctor said, “The baby was small, I think there must be another one.” I cleverly responded, “Another one what?” “Another baby,” said he. And I shot back, “Oh, that must be my big boy.”

We were glued to the screen as the doctor’s hands disappeared from view. There was much twisting and turning until lo and behold he whipped out another baby! This time he said, “Oh, this one is pretty.” “A boy?” said I. “No, another girl,” said the flabbergasted doctor. How wrong could he be! I was stunned and my shoulder-mate was finally speechless. The second baby was placed in an incubator on the other side of me, and the anesthesiologist and I proceeded to act like we were at a tennis match, turning in tandem from side to side to view first, the dark daddy-like baby with a mop of black hair, and secondly, the blond hairless baby on the other side. I was really glad I had watched because it would have been hard to accept that these two totally different babies came out of me. When we finally stopped popping our heads from side to side, it came to my attention that the doctor was back digging around, and this time I watched the mirror-screen in horror. I remember squeaking out, “There isn’t another one, is there?” (By now, having been brainwashed about a boy baby, I thought he was lost in there somewhere.) But the doctor calmly reassured me and said he was delivering the placenta.

They gave me a moment to recover and then asked if anyone was in the waiting room. I said my husband had been called away but my mother was out there. They turned on the speaker and told me to just call her and tell her what had happened. I said something brilliant like, “Granny, Mother, we just had twin girls.” There was a dead silence and Granny meekly replied, “”My name is Dotty and my daughter’s name is Julie. Was that message for me?” And so it went....

I understand that right after this, My husband walked in and my mother said, “Steve, we had twins.” He replied, “Thank Goodness, it was only twins. After the night I had at poker, I was afraid it would be worse.”

They brought me to a recovery room and sent my husband and mother in. We were all quite stunned and were eager to give Leslie the news. There was a phone in the room and Steve said he would call the school. They brought Leslie to the phone and he said, “Leslie, you have twin sisters.” Knowing Daddy to be a great kidder, Leslie suspected the worst. “Okay, Dad,” she said, “it was a boy, right?” It took him almost five minutes to convince her. I think she finally accepted it when the teacher at her school confirmed it.

My mother said, “What are we going to call them?” And Steve responded instantly, “Stacey and Tracey.” Where that came from, no one ever knew. I immediately said, “Well, if those are the first names, I know the middle names... Meredith and Tamara.” I had picked out “Stacey Meredith” as one of Leslie’s possible names and it didn’t fit her, and I had heard a lady calling her little girl “Tamara” in K-Mart a few days before and thought at the time it was a really cute name.

At this point, Aunt Judie and Nana appeared, and we told them the names. Aunt Judie said she knew which one should be which name and we all had the same thought. The daddy-like person would be the one with the T.T. name (for Poppa who was Theodore T.) since she most looked like a Greenberg at the time. Steve had a favorite uncle Mal who I had really liked, and so Stacey got the M for him.

My two little girls were beautiful and so perfect. How lucky I was to realize this dream of mine. Thirty years later, I still think of them as a miracle.

Machinery I Have Loved

Machinery I Have Loved
Stacey Greenberg


The Medela Pump in Style (PIS) is the second* piece of machinery that I have actually kissed after using it for the first time. I had used a manual Avent Isis pump a few times in the first few months, but always found it taxing. The Isis saved me when my milk came in and I thought my breasts were going to explode with a big, milky bang. It also helped to perk up my less than perky right nipple so that my son could latch on, but it fell short when it came to collecting massive amounts of milk. For me, the Isis combined with surfing the Internet was a Carpal Tunnel cocktail I couldn’t swallow.

Pumping wasn’t really much of an issue in the beginning. I knew I had to teach my son to drink from a bottle at some point if I planned to return to work, but I wasn’t in a hurry. We were always together and we had a great nursing relationship. I found it annoying when people would tell me to pump so I could “get away.” Some people acted like pumping was a panacea for all parenting issues. I think some people just couldn’t stand to see a baby without a bottle in his mouth. It became a joke between my husband and I. If I complained that my breasts were tender, mentioned I was hungry, or moaned about not getting any sleep, his reply was, “Why don’t you just pump?”

When it actually got to the point that pumping was going to be a part of my daily life, I was frantic. The PIS does not come cheap. Not everyone can afford to fall in love with it. I was lucky enough to have a generous neighbor who loaned me hers free of charge. I didn’t even have to buy the attachment pieces because my best friend had an extra set. And best of all, my husband was able to decode the instruction booklet, identify all of the parts, and actually teach me how to use the PIS without too much difficulty.

The PIS is designed specifically for working moms. It comes in a black leather bag that looks like a briefcase. It is very inconspicuous and professional looking. It has a cooler on the inside and a place to put a picture of your baby (to stimulate a “let down”). It is quiet and can be plugged into an outlet or even into a car lighter. It was a bit of a hassle toting it to and from work each day and rinsing out all the small parts at night, but it was worth it to me. I was determined to breastfeed my son for at least a year, and I didn’t see any other way to do it. The PIS made it possible and for that I am grateful. The electric breast pump is a technological advancement that I can stand behind.

When my son turned one, I packed up my PIS. I am still breastfeeding him, but no longer need to pump. Our co-sleeping keeps my supply up at night and he takes organic cow’s milk to daycare. As I washed out the parts one last time and prepared to return the PIS to my neighbor, I was a bit sad. I’ll miss you PIS, but I know that it is time for you to move on and make another woman happy. I must say goodbye. Mwah!

*My first “love” was the Hitachi Magic Wand.

Nature Versus Nurture Versus Dirty Dishes

Nature Versus Nurture Versus Dirty Dishes
Ashley Harper

There can be no doubt that somewhere coiled tensely in my daughter’s DNA is the tendency, my tendency, to fear random possibility. The child is genetically encoded to fret. I don’t talk about my apocalyptic nightmares in front of my kids, or voice my doubts about men on park benches, or even disclose to them the fact that every single piece of Double Bubble I’ve ever seen looks like it’s had needles poked into it. So if I am holding my cover – and I think I am – what other than an unfortunate match-up on her genetic bingo card would make her suddenly stop mid-stride on her scooter, stare fixedly at the sidewalk, and then look up and ask wide-eyed, “What if I run out of energy?”

She did not ask this because she was tired or feeling rundown. After all we had just been to a cafĂ© where she ate a borrachito, which is basically just a fist-sized ball of chocolate. Though the waiter told me that it was laced with rum, I don’t think her question was a sentimental slur. She was dead serious, and she was truly worried.

At our house, we try to recycle, or at least we separate glass from paper, tin from plastic. Of course, then there is nothing to do but set it out on the curb with the regular trash, but the intention is there, if not the local recycling plant. We don’t leave the water running to brush our teeth or flush each time, nor do I let the grass turn to dust or close the faucet after each spoon is rinsed. So I don’t think it is from her environment (i.e. nurture) where she has taken her latest environmental obsession.

One night recently, she came sobbing into her brother’s room where we were reading the Diggin’est Dog, the one where the dog doesn’t know how to dig because he grew up in a pet shop on “that hard stone floor.” (Should I mention puppy mills to the kids?)

“What happened?” I asked her.

“Gus….Gus….Gus left the….” And here she couldn’t give me any more intelligible information about what her little brother had apparently left, or where he had apparently left it.

I looked to Gus for help, but he just returned to the book with a 3-year-old’s exasperated sigh, meaning something like, “Don’t even drag me into this one, ‘cuz I’ve no idea what she’s talking about.”

“Did he take something?” I prompted, giving Gus an accusatory look just in case.

“I didn’t take anything!” he shrieked.

My daughter valiantly tried again. “Gus left the…he left the…THE WATER WAS ON IN THE BATHROOM!” Again the last bit she blurted out in a new wash of tears and panting.

Gus and I stared at each other through dim slit eyes, the water? What was she talking about?

“Gus left the water on in the bathroom?”

“Yes! And there’s no rain here and there’s no water and you can’t waste water like that, Gus! You always waste water!!” She covered her face with her hands and shook the tears out into her palms in little gasps.

It is true, we do not live where there is much water, and wasting it is a very unhealthy and un-civic thing to do, but come on. The two of them had just brushed their teeth, closing the water during the brushing part, not five minutes before, and we were only talking about a tiny trickle, like you might use to keep your pipes from freezing – unless of course you have a daughter like mine. So now, no one in the family can finish rinsing the soap from their hands or washing out that last bit of toothpaste before she comes up behind you shouting and wrenches off the water. The dinner plates stay crusty and I worry what this could mean for her already sketchy bathing habits.

I want my children to grow up with a realistic world-view. It’s important that they know our natural resources have limits, and that there are strangers who will harm you, or people who don’t have the things they need. But soaking oneself in fear and panic is not going to save more than a few gallons of water, and may even do more to dry up hope, especially if you’re not even in second grade yet. We try to educate our children about what is real without frightening them away from experience, and from the desire and belief that they can make their world better.

I am proud that I may have the only daughter who wants to be a fairy princess in watershed management, and I know that her concern gives me daily pause in my habits of consumption, but I think I have spawned living proof of how we can’t escape our nature. Now I can only hope that some fast acting in the nurture department can save my daughter from a life wrought with panic-invoked stasis, and our cereal bowls from dried on bran flakes.

Some Thoughts on Extended Nursing from a Pregnant Mama

Some Thoughts on Extended Nursing from a Pregnant Mama
Stacey Greenberg


I recently had lunch with a friend who is newly pregnant. I have a one year old and am 12 weeks pregnant. I love talking about pregnancy and birth so I was really excited to see my friend and talk to her about her journey into motherhood. I felt like an old pro giving her advice, answering questions, and calming her fears. When I casually mentioned that I was still nursing Satchel, her eyes popped open, her jaw dropped, and she said, “Can you do that?” I burst out laughing and she clarified, “I mean, I thought you couldn’t get pregnant if you were nursing.” (I explained that nursing can delay the return of your moon cycle, but that once it is back, you are officially fertile.)

One day I was gazing at my son as he nursed, thinking to myself how beautiful and perfect he was and how I loved nursing and never wanted to stop. (Well, not never, but I knew that extended nursing was the way to go.) The next day, inexplicably, my son started biting me at every nursing session. A few days later, I realized I was pregnant. My nipples were incredibly sensitive and the biting was sending me over the edge. I polled other mamas and tried every trick in the secret mama book, but I couldn’t get the biting to stop. I really didn’t want to wean Satchel, but I was in pain, and nursing was anything but enjoyable. I decided to ride it out, and he did eventually stop biting. The soreness has gotten a little better, and I’m glad that I didn’t give up when the going got rough. I can honestly say that nursing is enjoyable again. I can’t imagine stopping now.

A lot of people ask me if I am going to wean Satchel since I am pregnant. I don’t know if it is laziness, fear, or just a gut feeling, but I don’t have any plans to wean him. I’m having a hard time imagining myself tandem nursing, but I am certainly willing to give it a try. Satchel still really enjoys nursing, and he lets me know very clearly when he wants to nurse. I can’t say no. I don’t want to. I do have moments of wishing he would just lose interest, but I’m not actively going to stop him from nursing. A lot of people speculate that he will wean himself when my milk changes near the third trimester. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. Either way is fine with me. Well the blissful, not yet showing, 12 week pregnant me, anyway*!

(This essay was originally written for “Wrinkle.”)

*I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks, so I don’t know if the third trimester theory is true, but Satchel and I are still happily nursing.

Being a Devoted Mother Needs No Excuses

Being a Devoted Mother Needs No Excuses
Kristy Dallas Alley


My husband recently subscribed my email address to receive the New York Times arts headlines everyday. His purpose in doing this was to give me something to talk about other than babies. So far, I have yet to open any of them. It’s not that I’m not interested in the arts, or even that I don’t want to know about them. It’s just, well, a matter of timing.

I was never one of those little girls who pushed a doll carriage around and spent her whole life dreaming of becoming a mommy. I didn’t think much about it one way or the other, really. But now I am a mommy – big time. I have three kids under the age of five. Two under two! And not only have babies taken over my time and my house, they seem to have taken over my mind as well. But that’s ok with me, and I’’ll tell you why.

This is just that time in my life. I have kids. Period. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about other things or enjoy a little time away, but for the most part, kids are what I do. And I refuse to apologize for that. We don’t ask people who are very passionate about other jobs to apologize or offer sheepish explanations for their zeal. We understand when people are interested in nothing but television or sports, but heaven forbid a woman act as though she is genuinely interested in the business of raising her children. “How pathetic!” we say. “How sad. She has a degree and everything.”

What we are really saying, then, is that any idiot can mother children. That there just isn’t that much to it. Well, I beg to differ, and so does a whole new generation of mothers. We are educated, we are intelligent, and we refuse to just turn off our brains when it comes to matters of child rearing. Because all evidence to the contrary aside, raising children is not a business for stupid people.

The days when women automatically stayed home with their children may be gone forever, but the days when a career woman wouldn’t dream of quitting to stay home are quickly fading as well. Many of us enter motherhood to find a reality that we never suspected – one in which we want to stay home with our kids. Other women who always thought of themselves as the stay-at-home type now find that they feel they are happier, better mothers, if they continue to work. And as always, the sad reality exists that for most of us, the choice is made by financial necessity rather than our hearts.

The point is, women have more choices now than ever before, and that wealth of options demands careful, informed consideration. When we make decisions about returning to work or staying at home, breastfeeding or bottle feeding, public or private or even home schooling, we understand that these decisions affect not only the immediate dynamics of our family lives, but the dynamics of our entire society. The hand that rocks the cradle does indeed rule the world, and it’s high time our society faced up to that fact. When are we going to stop this nonsense of insisting that everyone who gets married must have children, but while we have them we must not enjoy the experience at all? Only when they leave home and we become “empty nesters” are we allowed to look back in teary-eyed nostalgia at “when our babies were little.”

This is what we as a society just don’t get. Some people should not and need not have children. Those of us who choose to have them should be allowed to devote ourselves to raising them without apologies, without having to explain why we have chosen not to return to work or not to stay home, not to parent the way our parents did or our neighbors do. We know that we are going to be wrong in someone’s eyes no matter what we do and I, for one, am tired of worrying about it. At the beginning of the new year, I resolved to mother my children joyfully, with complete abandon, and with pride. Care to join me?

The Anatomy of a Supper Club

The Anatomy of a Supper Club
Stacey Greenberg

I am blessed with a husband who is a great cook. He also enjoys cooking. I like cooking, but really only know how to cook a handful of things. When Warren and I first started living together, dinner was a team effort. Warren was alpha chef and I was beta. As beta, my duties involved minor prep work and clean up. When we moved into our house a few years ago, the kitchen had less space and I was booted from the cooking area completely. In the past year, other than preparing Satchel’s baby food, I have cooked dinner enough times to count on one hand.

Warren gets off work an hour before I do, and on most days I can count on walking through the front door and getting to sit down to a delicious, and often elaborate dinner. On a normal day, Warren cooks like he is feeding an army, rather than the two of us. Word of this leaked and it is not unusual for a friend or family member to show up around dinner time. One time, Marlinee, my best friend, came every day for a week. At one point, she was actually pulling up out front and we were taking out “to-go boxes.” (Her daughter was sick so she wasn’t allowed inside to possibly infect Satchel.)

In the spirit of reciprocity (and more free meals), Marlinee suggested that we pick one night a week and alternate making dinner. So on Tuesdays, Warren and Marlinee took turns making dinner and our families got together to hang out and eat. It was fun, especially for the spouses and children! The only problem was that it seemed like someone was always sick, on the verge of getting sick, or recovering from being sick. So, we ended up only getting together once or twice a month, if we were lucky.

Despite this minor pitfall, word of our arrangement spread, and another friend, Julie, wanted in. Julie is a very practical woman, and she told us that although she liked the social aspect of supper club, her husband Dan liked the “not having to cook” part better. So we instituted a “snot and cough” policy that stated that each week all food would be prepared to go and picked up. This has actually worked quite well. Whoever’s turn it is to cook sends out an email with the menu and the pick up time. Then the other two families come and get the food at the designated time. Often we all end up gathered at someone’s house hanging out and watching the kids play, while final preparations are made. A few times we have unpacked everything and eaten together.

When the supper club expanded to three families it became a bit of an Iron Chef competition. The culinary level of dinners and the portion size quickly got out of control. When it was our turn and Warren was working in the field, it was clear that I wasn’t going to be able to pinch hit. I panicked. None of my old stand-bys were worthy of supper club. Warren had to work all weekend and couldn’t even prepare something ahead of time. We ended up canceling. And we ended up yelling at each other. Then we considered calling the whole thing quits. We lost sight of the fun and it was becoming a chore, especially to Warren. But the thought of the two weeks when it wasn’t our turn kept us going. The next week, Warren made something simple, but delicious, and took the competition down a notch. Marlinee and Dan have followed suit.

Other things have come up and we have dealt with them accordingly. Picky eaters. Some of us like mushrooms, some of us don’t. Some of us like creamy sauces, some of us don’t. To avoid each and every week becoming a planning nightmare, the “chef du jour” has free reign to make whatever s/he wants. The “diners” can pick out the mushrooms, wash off the sauce, or politely get a burger on the way home. Dieters. Two spouses have started the Atkins diet. The same “picky eater” rule applies. The dieters eat what they can or get a burger (minus the bun) on the way home. (Since none of us are vegetarians, except Satchel, there’s always SOMETHING they can eat.) Untested dishes. We try to make dinners that are tried and true and not use supper club as a testing ground. Marlinee made a dish one night that everyone suffered through only to find out that she had thrown hers away and ordered pizza. (Warren and I even had a “fight” over who had to eat the leftovers!)

Supper club has proven to be a good thing. The not-cooking and the steady-date aspects make it definitely worth the extra work and clean up once every three weeks. It has also given our tupperware collection a major boost. And one of these days, I may even cook!

Herbie-The Interview

Herbie-The Interview
Christoph Meyer & Lisa Moster (His Mama and Papa)


Note: When this interview was conducted, Herbie was 23 months old

Question: What is your name?
Herbie: Herbie.
Q: Are you a boy or a girl?
H: Boy.
Q: Are you a baby or a man?
H: Baby.
Q: Are you cute or ugly?
H: Toot.
Q: Are you dumb or smart?
H: Dumb.
Q: Are you a Democrat, Republican or Independent?
H: Yeah...no no no.
Q: Can you count to eight?
H: (while dancing around with blocks in his hands) One...one...two, three, nine, six, seven, eight! Hold it eight! Hold it eight! Hold it eight! Hold it eight!
Q: Is your mama good or bad?
H: Good, bad...bad.
Q: Is Klee good or bad? [Note: Klee is our 160 pound puppy. He is definitely the latter.]
H: Bad.
Q: Is Papa good or bad?
H: Good, bad.
Q: Is Amma good or bad? [Note: Amma is Lisa’s mother.]
H: Good.
Q: Is Aunt Lori good or bad? [Note: Lori is Lisa’s sister.]
H: Good, bad.
Q: What are the names of your cats?
H: Clau-Clau, Sop-Sop
Q: Can you say “Thank you?”
H: ‘elcome.
Q: What’s your favorite food?
H: Cookies? Cookies! Crackers, yeah.
Q: Which one? Which is your favorite?
H: Corn. Gravy.
Q: What’s your second favorite?
H: Corn.
Q: Your third favorite?
H: Gravy.
Q: What else do you like to eat?
H: Tofu. [Note: We are shedding Vegan tears of joy. That’s our boy!]
Q: What’s your favorite animal?
H: Cookies, cookies, crackers, crackers, cow, cow, sheep, sheep, sheep, cow, cow, cow, cow, cow!
Q: What’s your favorite color?
H: White.
Q: What’s your favorite letter?
H: Two O’s.
Q: What’s your favorite hobby?
H: Red.
Q: How many teeth do you have?
H: One, one teef.
Q: Pease porridge...?
H: Hot.
Q: Pease porridge...?
H: Cold.
Q: Pease porridge in the pot...?
H: Old.
Q: How many days old is Herbie?
H: Fourteen.
Q: Mary had a little...?
H: Yam.
Q: Whose fleece was white as...?
H: ‘no.
Q: And everywhere that Mary...?
H: Went.
Q: That lamb was sure to...?
H: Go.
Q: It followed her to school one...?
H: Cool one day! Cool one day!
Q: Which was against the...?
H: Roo! A! B! C! D! Eat! Eat!
Q: It made the children laugh and ...?
H: Play.
Q: To see a lamb at...?
H: Cool.
Q: Where does mama go in the day?
H: Work.
Q: Where does Papa go in the day?
H: Chairs
Q: Does Papa work?
H: Yes.
Q: What does Papa do?
H: Chairs.
Q: Where does mama work?
H: Teeth. [Note: Mama is a dentist. Papa is a stay-at-home dad and a writer.)
Q: Could you leave us with some words of wisdom?
H: (while getting his diaper changed) Bite. No bite. Bite him. No bite him. Hug hug hug. Kiss kiss kiss.

Simply Marvelous

Simply Marvelous
Samantha Morin


Chewing on a cracker
with only two teeth
Grinning, so excited, so proud
As if no one but you
had ever eaten before
Playing with the food
learning it’s texture, smell and taste
Convinced you are a marvel
because you eat
Oh child, you are so close to right
and yet so wrong
You are a marvel
wrought of love and fate and stardust
A person who dreams
and laughs
and cries
One who has grown so much
and will grow so much more
The cracker has little to do with it

My Mother

My Mother
Desha Kelly


She always gets the last word
Call her at 10:00 and the last word comes around 12:00
She’s a first-rate nutritionist
“We’ll get that weight off.”
And philanthropic
Replaces the embarrassing stuff
Smart
Marvels at your stupidity
Gay
“And what are you so sad about?”
Care-giver, lover of bratty children
I’ve a lot to be thankful for

My Son, the Dog

My Son, the Dog
Stacey Greenberg



He motors around on all fours even though he can walk

He likes to carry sticks, among other things, in his mouth and chase balls

He wants to nap on the dog bed, play in the kennel, and be fed scraps from the table

He does his best to cover himself in dog hair to look the part

He often sits by the door crying to be let out

He loves to go to the park

He tries his best to climb on the sofa and the bed

He gives sloppy, wet kisses

He is extremely cute and cuddly

Restaurant Review: Ace’s Chicago Pizza

Restaurant Review: Ace’s Chicago Pizza
Andria Brown


I live in Midtown Memphis. I eat in Midtown Memphis. Yet when I heard that a Chicago-style pizzeria had opened all the way out in the mysterious mallburbs, I knew that I had to try it out. But wait – how I actually heard about this pizza place is a story in itself. See, I was down at the federal courthouse. No, no, it wasn’t like that. I’d been called for jury selection, and since I couldn’t get anyone to agree that being five months pregnant could interfere with serving on a jury, I took my assigned place in the court room and waited patiently to be excused. I was nearly dozing off when the judge started asking a sweet, fiftyish woman about her job history. The woman said that she and her husband had recently opened a restaurant. The judge, for no discernible reason other than nosiness, asked what kind of restaurant. The woman seemed a little flustered and answered vaguely, “An…eatery?” Because we all clearly had nothing else to do that day (and because no one’s used the word “eatery” since 1910), the judge asked what he might order at her restaurant. As proof that it pays to fulfill your civic duty, this woman, this angel, said, “Chicago-style pizza, maybe?” I suddenly became much more interested in the legal process. As soon as I possibly could (shortly after I got kicked out of the jury pool), I got online and started looking up “Chicago style pizza” in the Yahoo yellow pages. And there it was: Ace’s Chicago Pizza.

My husband and I moved down here from Chicago nearly five years ago, and we’ve been craving the true deep dish experience ever since. Fortunately for us (and unfortunately for our gas consumption), Ace’s knows their stuff. They put together a deep dish pizza that is reminiscent of Gino’s East, one of the original (and many think best) pizzerias in Chicago. Their pizza sauce and sausage are made specifically for Ace’s, per their own recipe. These seemingly small details make all the difference, and they’ve put us on I-40 East more times than I should probably mention. The menu also features other Chicago favorites like Italian beef sandwiches, Chicago-style hot dogs, and giardiniera, as well as traditional crust pizza and pasta. So far, we’ve only tried the deep dish (over and over again, just to be sure), but I’m confident that the full menu offers the same quality and authentic Chicago flavor.

I’m not what anyone would call a foodie, so I generally don’t write about restaurants, but I feel so personally committed to making sure that this restaurant succeeds that I want to spread the word as far as I possibly can. And did I mention that it’s family-owned? The original Ace’s is located in Paris, TN, and Ace’s sister and brother-in-law have brought the franchise here to Memphis. Well, to Cordova, technically. Did I also mention that it’s right next to an ice cream shop and a large movie theater that actually hires ushers? So even if you live in the city, you can grab the family and make a whole evening of it. Or make it a date and enjoy the romantic strip mall ambience. Or do what we do and take everyone you know as often as you possibly can – we’ve been there three times in three weeks, and thanks to effective propaganda, our last group included seven adults and two kids.

(Helpful tip: deep dish pizza takes about 30 minutes to make, so call while you’re on your way and save some waiting time. One stuffed pizza feeds two hungry adults. Or my husband.)

Book Review: Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It by Andrea Buchanan

Book Review: Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It by Andrea Buchanan
Stacey Greenberg


Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It is a collection of essays on the culture shock of new motherhood. (As an anthropologist and world traveler, I am disappointed in myself for not coming up with this idea first!) The essays are broken into four sections: Mother Love (Honeymoon stage, the first month), Mother Shock (crisis, months two to six), Mother Tongue (recovery, months seven to nine), and Adjustment (months nine to twelve). Having a son who just turned one, I related to all four sections.

Andrea’s writing is really relaxed and engaging. Mother Shock contains 31(derful) essays, all of which are fairly short and often sweet. I especially loved “Fear of the Double Stroller,” “Confessions of a Bottle Feeder,” and “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Playgroup.” Andrea’s essays do not tell stories of the “super mom” or the “soccer mom,” but the stories of real life moms like my friends and me. Her analogies and references to the feelings one experiences upon entering the realm of motherhood are enlightening and thought provoking. While reading this book, I felt compelled to nod my head and constantly inform my partner of my disbelief at how much I could relate to Andrea and her adventure into motherhood. I realized that I was not strange or inadequate, that there are indeed mothers who feel the same tinge of uncertainty that I felt in my new roll as “mother.” Andrea’s stories leave the reader feeling good, not guilty. This book is a true celebration of Motherhood and a resource for mothers everywhere.

Please, do yourself a favor and buy this book. Or buy it for a friend. At the very least, ask your local library to stock it.

Andrea Buchanon’s work has been featured in the collection Breeder: Real Life Stories from the New Generation of Mothers and in on-line parenting magazines, including Oxygen.com's MomsOnline and HipMama.com. Her syndicated column "The Dark Side" runs on various websites, including the site she created for Philadelphia mothers, PhillyMama.com. Before becoming a mother, Andrea was a classical pianist. Her last recital was at Carnegie Hall's Weill Recital Hall, back before she knew how to play the Teletubbies theme song. She lives with her family in Philadelphia. For more information about Mother Shock, visit http://www.mothershock.com.

Zine Recommendations

Zine Recommendations
Stacey Greenberg


MAMAS UNIDAS: ALL MAMAS ALL THE TIME is a new mama zine distributor. It was started by my friend, Jackie Regales, who does the amazing zine “Esperanza.” If you want to order a bunch of mama zines but don’t want to do a bunch of transactions, check out “Mamas Unidas” at www.geocities.com/mamasunidasdistro.

Are We There Yet: A Zine for the Never-ending Road of Parenting by Lauren Eichelberger was a long time in the making, but well worth the wait. It is a comp zine, but most of the writing is by Lauren. It is a very thoughtful, thought-provoking zine that had me in tears more than once. (I especially loved Lauren’s essay on “Remembering.”) “Are We There Yet” includes poetry, zine, music, and book reviews, as well as video game reviews by her husband. Get a copy, you won’t be disappointed! $2 or trade, email masageleaf@toad.net.

Caratid Rises by Gaynor Taylor is a zine that is more than likely going to make you cry and think differently. “Caryatid Rises” is a zine that focuses on women's activism in all its variety of forms. Each issue has left me floored. Issues are $3 and can be obtained on a cash-in-envelope basis from Caryatid Rises, P.O. Box 380431, Cambridge MA 02238.

Crunchy Granola Earthmama Says by Sarah Martin is a comp zine (with a great name) that covers a good bit of ground. I really enjoyed the article on “Second Hand Sustenance” (i.e. eating your child’s rejected food off the floor or even after s/he spits it out). I also dig the fact that Sarah’s son’s name is Sagan. I just reread her essay on tandem nursing and it gives me hope! “Crunchy Granola Earthmama Says” also covers children’s movie reviews, vegetarian recipes, and obscure facts about “The Waltons..” Check it out! $2 issue/$4 subscription, email Sarah at amaltheamoondragon@yahoo.com.

Deep South Mouth by Coleen Murphy (a photo booth enthusiast living in New Orleans) is a fun read that always has great pictures. It chronicles her frequent road trips with her sons among other things – and can be ordered by sending $2 issue/$8 subscription to coleen@bust.com.

Mama Sez No War: Writings, Photos, and Experiences by Mothers Against the War is (pardon the pun) “the bomb.” This is an incredible zine, truly. Mothers from across the country (including me!) contributed their stories of protest. This zine is a great read and it is really inspiring. My favorite part was the photo layout by Siu Loong, age 2, showing a toddler’s perspective of a protest. “Mama Sez No War” even comes with anti-war stickers. To get a copy contact cradlecap00@yahoo.com.

Twenty Eight Pages Lovingly Bound with Twine (28PLBWT) by Christoph Meyer (world’s greatest pen pal and only person I know other than my 96 year old grandmother who is not online) is often hailed as THE daddy zine. I don’t think 28PLBWT set out to be a daddy zine, but Christoph’s inclusion of his wife’s homebirth and his frequent essays on his son have made him a well known daddy in the zine scene. I personally was awed by his detailed description of his son’s many Wal-Mart photo shoots and the impressive collage that went with it. Christoph also writes about natural gas, water heaters, and other manly things, but his insights into parenthood make his zine a keeper. $2 issue/various subscription deals. Write to Christoph Meyer, P.O. Box 106, Danville, OH 43014.

Viva la Mama! The Radical Parenting Zine by Kara Spencer is awesome and one of my absolute favorite zines ever. Not that you can judge a zine by its cover, but #1 features Kara’s son wearing a gas mask and it is just so right on. This zine is jam packed with great stories, great information, and great mamas. Contents include: “Diary of a Revolutionary Milkmaid,” “Placenta Projects,” “Yo Mama’s Maternal Feminist Agenda,” “Freelance Fun for Freaky Families,” “Birth Power,” and so much more. Order this zine now! $3 issue/$10 subscription, paypal wildcraft@speakeasy.net or write P.O. Box 28476, Seattle, WA 98118.

Yoga Mama by Kristin McPherson is really, really great. Yoga Mama supplies a lot of useful yoga information (how to do poses, book reviews, meditations, etc.) and some really incredible pictures of Kristin and her kids doing asanas. The “Boob Asana” alone made me wanna be a yoga mama! For ordering info/availability email yogamamazine@earthlink.net.

A Slice of Memphis Mama Life

A Slice of Memphis Mama Life
Stacey Greenberg


Saturday morning, Satchel, 12 months and a few days, woke me up at 6:45a.m. I took him into the livingroom where his father was asleep on the couch and let him play while I got dressed. I was in charge of setting up a booth for work and a booth for my neighborhood association at a local festival, so I got dressed quick. I left Satchel and Warren to make breakfast and headed to the park to set up and scope out the situation. The festival was about 10 miles away at Audubon Park which is right next to the Botanic Gardens, so I knew that we’d have no trouble entertaining ourselves if the festival was a bust.

I set up quickly and reported back to the boys. I caught the tail end of breakfast and got Satchel ready for our usual Saturday hike in Overton Park. Overton Park is our park. It is less than a mile away and has an old growth forest with lots of winding trails. We put Satchel in the baby backpack and take our two dogs every Saturday and Sunday. We stay about an hour and try to show Satchel something new each week. He is currently hooked on flowers and will clutch them in his tiny hands for the whole hike without even trying to eat them. He also likes to feel tree bark and inspect leaves and rocks. Our hike was good and we got to see the bird watching club which was fun.

After our hike, we went home and I tried unsuccessfully to get Satchel to nap. So we loaded up again (snacks, sunscreen, water, and Satchel’s all terrain wagon) and headed to the festival at Audubon Park. There weren’t many people around, so after making an appearance and trying out the giant inflatable slide, we started off towards the Botanic Gardens. Our goal was to go in through the back and avoid paying $15. We really wanted to take Satchel to the Japanese Gardens to feed the koi fish, since his first birthday picnic scheduled to be there the week before had been rained out. We also wanted to test out the “all terrain-ness” of the wagon. On our way to the Japanese gardens, we stopped to feed some geese and ducks (strangely, we gave them “goldfish” crackers), watched some old guys play croquet, and checked out the Korean and Chinese demonstration gardens. The koi pond proved to be just as interesting to Satchel as we had hoped. We agreed to make it a frequent destination and started planning the menu for a Mother’s Day picnic.

We got back to the festival just in time to accept an award for the local health food store (I nominated them as “small business most supportive of neighborhood development”) and have our picture taken with a city councilman. We stayed for a few more awards, but decided to head home for another attempt at a nap. Satchel fell asleep in the car before we got home, but he easily transitioned into the bed with a small nursing session. Warren went outside to tinker with his motorcycle and I ate some lunch, checked email, and cleaned up a bit. I was just about to do a full force bathroom scrub down when Satchel woke up and saved me from myself.

It was clear that Warren was in “the zone,” so I tried to think of something fun to do with Satchel for the rest of the afternoon. The zoo was not an option because the pandas had just arrived and it would be packed. I thought about going to our playground at Peabody park, but thought he might be “parked out.” I considered the library or a trip to the nursing home to see his great grandmother, but settled on Mothersville. Mothersville has been open for about four months and is a haven for mamas. It sells nursing, maternity, and newborn clothes among other things, has a play area for kids and a nursing/hang-out area for moms. The owner is very cool, a new friend of mine, and she usually has at least one of her three children in the store, so we headed over. We lucked out and she wasn’t too busy, so Kristy and I chatted while the kids played. Kristy is my role model so I love talking to her. As I say, “Time flies when you are at Mothersville,” and two hours had passed before I knew it.

We returned home to find Warren STILL working on his motorcycle, but he had also started dinner so all was good. I put Satchel in the backpack and headed to the local health food store to drop off the award and buy some vegetables for dinner. The owner, Jeanice, was so excited to get the award. She told me how she’d been going through a rough time the past few months and that the award really made her feel good. We talked about what had been going on and I told her that I would rally the neighborhood to come in and spend some money to help her out. We also talked about her shirt – it was an Esprit dinosaur print circa 1983. I know I had a mini skirt with the exact pattern. For some reason, it was really funny to see her in that shirt.

I fed Satchel his dinner while Warren finished up the cooking and then we played for a bit before bath time. Satchel has gotten really cute to watch at bath time. When we start the water, he crawls at lightening speed into the bathroom and lifts his little leg up trying to get in the tub. I have to get his clothes off of him as fast as possible and get him in quick or he gets mad. It is really adorable. Once he was clean, I got him changed into his jammies and nursed him to sleep. It took awhile for him to calm down, but he eventually went into a deep sleep and stayed that way. Warren and I fixed our plates and ate dinner while watching “Trading Spaces” in the livingroom. It was a good dinner, a good episode, and a nice ending to a really busy day.

(This essay was originally written for “The Deep South Mouth.”)

The Inactive Person’s Guide to Pre-Natal Workouts

The Inactive Person’s Guide to Pre-Natal Workouts
Andria Brown

I don’t work out. Stating it so plainly makes it sound like I may be proud of this fact, but I’m not. I just seem to be missing the gene or the neuron or the inspiring inner Oprah that makes other people feel slack and depressed if they sit around too long.

But then I went and got pregnant, and everything I read told me that I needed to be active, both for my health and the baby’s. At first it seemed feasible, but then the first trimester fatigue hit and my activity level went from one to zero. By the time I felt like doing anything more rigorous than napping, I’d practically forgotten how to tie my eight-year-old, mint-condition Nikes. I knew I needed help to get back on (or at least near) the exercise wagon. I also knew that whatever I chose to do was going to have to be easy, engaging, and at least sort of fun. I tried a few different things, with varying levels of success.

The Exercise Book:
A very good friend of mine gave us a book called The Pregnant Couple’s Guide to Working Out Together, by Isa Herrera. This just goes to prove that even very good friends don’t know everything about you. On top of being less than motivated by a two-dimensional instructor, I have a really hard time converting text and images into actual activity. This just didn’t work for me. (Important note: this isn’t a review of the book – reviewing the book would imply that I’d actually, you know, read it.)

The Exercise Tape:
I’d tried a few yoga tapes before getting pregnant and they seemed to hold my interest for at least two weeks at a time, so I thought I’d give a pre-natal workout tape a try. The one I chose, based mostly on its Amazon.com reviews, was Leisa Hart's FitMama – Prenatal Workout. I was a little scared by the fact that Leisa Hart is the “Buns of Steel” lady, but I was actually surprised by how little I resented her. She’s very perky, but she’s also good at communicating everything she’s doing and goes through the steps before asking the viewer to participate. Plus she says nice affirming things about how sexy pregnant bellies are. This is a perk, especially when you feel like a Fantasia elephant twirling around the living room. Or when your partner is standing in the kitchen trying not to laugh at your mambo combo.

The workout itself is very manageable, even for a newbie like me. The tape is broken down into several sections, starting with a Salsa workout, then moving on to a Yoga section, then floor and relaxation exercises. Starting out, I followed the recommendation to do either the yoga or salsa, and then skip ahead to the stretching and breathing. This made me really wish I had the workout on DVD, especially on the days where I just felt like going through some guided Kegels or getting a good stretch in (the DVD version has recently been released). Just the aggravation of having to fast forward has kept me from using this tape regularly. Which brings me to …

The Exercise DVD:
I was only able to find one non-yoga pre-natal workout on DVD: Kathy Smith’s Pregnancy Workout. I’ve been trying to think of one word to sum up my feelings for this DVD, and the only word I’ve come up with is: blurgh. I hate this video. I hate it for so many reasons I can barely articulate them, and many of those reasons aren’t very articulate at all. For starters, I hate Kathy Smith’s style. She doesn’t explain anything, she goes from one step to another without warning, and her routines are awkward. I took dance for six years and I’m good at following demonstrations, yet I still spent half this workout tripping over myself.

I also hate the creepy Stepford Moms in the background (Leisa had a similar problem with finding a diverse group of moms-to-be) and the cheesy baby-themed graphics. I hate Kathy’s eye shadow. I hate, with the red-hot fire of a thousand suns, the “Mommy Rap” that’s inexplicably stuck in the middle of the video. There’s a line about putting down the bagel and doing another Kegel that made me want to throw a gallon tub of ice cream through the television. (The rap is clearly a parody of the 1986 Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle, which makes me hate it even more, considering that the tape originally came out in 1989 so it was dated and stupid even then.) I hate the music and the set and the wardrobe and basically everything I saw or heard on this DVD. Which, I have to admit, wasn’t everything on the DVD. I turned it off after the rap and haven’t been able to bring myself to get through the rest.

The Exercise Class:
Working out in public has its pros and cons. The financial investment and knowing that there are actual living, breathing people expecting to see me makes it more likely that I’ll show up. On the flip side, my anxiety, shyness, and general reluctance to get criticized for anything make me hesitant to expose myself to the huge embarrassment possibilities inherent in an exercise class. But in an effort to get over myself and do the best thing for the kid, I gladly signed on when local parenting oasis Mothersville offered a pre-natal yoga series. So far I’ve only attended one class, but I think I’ve finally found my exercise solution. The group is just large enough that no one feels singled out, yet small enough that the environment feels intimate. I’m sure having a good instructor is key here, and I’m lucky that ours is experienced and professional, yet very warm and supportive. I was initially worried about the 75-minute class time, but the first night went by very quickly.

The best part of the whole experience, however, is getting to meet other moms-to-be and having the chance to talk about what we’re going through. That’s the element you just can’t get from a home workout, and it’s probably even more important in the long run than any physical activity could ever be.

Redefining Family

Redefining Family
Adrianne Moore


In a small bathtub at my mother’s house, as the sun began to rise, I gave birth to this tiny new being. For nine months she had grown in my belly, unfazed by the trials of my life or movements of my body. She had been nourished through the thoughtless abilities of my body and comforted by the usual sounds of its workings. She experienced life through the pale glow of light filtering through layers of skin, blood and muscle.

But the moment air hit her face, all this changed. Suddenly every movement I made, every pain I faced all became an integral part of her existence. My life was suddenly tempered by the unexplained thoughts of a newborn.

Night became a lesson in exhaustion and day a fight for sanity, as I quickly learned to forget my needs and desires and attended to those of another. Slowly, through countless sleepless nights and ever evolving diaper-washing routines, I reevaluated what it means to be a mother, a family. No longer could I accept the dichotomy of motherhood: to relinquish my own identity or fail as a mother. It became clear that the idea of family in our culture was sadly lacking.

Family meant the selfless giving of a mother, the steady presence of a father, and the distant support, or lack of it, from relatives far away. But if this was the meaning of family, I was missing something big. My mother’s presence in the middle of the night in person, and later over the phone, was imperative to my comfort. My child’s father’s chaotic lifestyle, utter confusion, and extended absence didn’t fit the bill. My own style of mothering and attachment to my child wasn’t found in mainstream parenting books.

So in rejecting the idea of ‘family’ commonly subscribed to, I had to find a new definition to identify with. Family for me was the idea of a common bond, one of blood, love, guilt, and sacrifice. Family is the people who gave you life and the people who encouraged it, though it is important to note those often are not one and the same.

A family is something that I loosely define as that to which you belong. In my pre-parent mind frame it was a loose association of blood, love and guilt ties to people whom I loved, cared for and admired to varying degrees and to whom I felt varying degrees of responsibility. My post-birth relationship to family is that of a love so fierce it makes me ill and a responsibility so great it sometimes seems unfathomable.

Becoming a mother has established in my mind the ludicrous nature of the American family and the social systems that uphold it, or more correctly, fail to uphold it. Mothers and fathers with little or no support are the norm rather than the extreme. Families with severe dysfunction have become mainstream, so much so that it often is a joke or goes without saying. We laughingly discuss the prescription medicines our mothers abuse or the beers our fathers throw back.

Family has become the excuse of our society, rather than the backbone. We blame ‘the family’ for our delinquent youth and our high crime rate, while denying the family the resources and support it needs to function properly. Family is not the great foundation it should be, but the thing from which we must escape.

So perhaps I fancy a much different definition of family. Family is the sacrifices I make in order to provide a nurturing and stimulating home for my daughter. Family is not running away from responsibility but facing it with imagination and determination. Family is supporting fellow mothers in freeing themselves from society’s imposed definitions of parenting.

Family is a society working together to raise its young. It is ending the cycles of abuse and mistrust and replacing them with healthy means of communication. It is learning to function as a unit, rather than for the individual. It is something that must be striven for and worked on, not taken and accepted.

My First Peace Rally

My First Peace Rally
Stacey Greenberg


I recently read a zine called “Red Diaper Baby” about radical mothering. It included an article on why mothers and children should attend peace rallies. I was inspired to take my son to a march last Sunday afternoon. It was to start at a church about three miles away from my house and end with a rally at the park around the corner. Basically, the march was happening right outside my door. I had no excuse not to go, although I wondered about the logistics.

Walking three miles alone and walking three miles with an 11 month old who weighs twenty five pounds are two entirely different things. I considered my options. The stroller seemed like it would just get in the way, and nine times out of ten, I end up carrying my son and pushing an empty stroller. That wasn’t going to work. There was no way I was going to get him in the Baby Bjorn or the Hip Hammock. It would have to be the backpack. I tried it out the week before and it was pretty comfy, but I worried that the three miles would seem like 300. I decided that I would just suck it up, but had visions of making it a mile and calling my husband on the cell phone to pick me up. Pathetic, I know.

What should my sign say? All the cool mamas have cool signs. Hmm. I considered, “Another Baby for Peace” and “War kills babies,” but decided on “Mama says no war!” My husband and I went to the drugstore to buy a posterboard the night before, but they all looked flimsy. What happened to the nice thick poster boards of my youth? The kind with the shiny side that was easy to color? My husband suggested getting a trifold presentation poster, but I thought that was a bit much. Eventually, he convinced me to use an old cardboard box. I rummaged through my mountain of boxes in the study and found an old cardboard book mailer that unfolded to the perfect size and even included “wings” to tape to the side of the backpack. I busted out the sharpies and made my first ever protest sign.

I had my baby transport plan in place and my sign was artfully rendered and ready to go. But my son wasn’t. He was so excited about marching for peace with mama that he didn’t take his nap until almost 1:30pm. The march started at 2:00pm. At 3:00pm I found myself sitting on the porch next to the baby monitor watching the peaceniks go by. “That should be me! Look at that mama! Damn!” Satchel must have heard the screaming in my head, because it wasn’t long before his cries were streaming from the monitor. I went in to get him and he was sitting up, refreshed, and ready for our adventure. I got his pants and shoes on, threw the backpack in the car, and drove to the park.

We made it just in time for the first speaker. The crowd seemed less impressive than when stretched out on the street, but it was cool. There was definitely a feeling of comradery in the air. It was fun to read people’s signs, see the costumes, and chant catchy slogans like, “The people united, will never be divided! The people united, will never be divided....” I saw some familiar faces: a colleague, a neighbor, a guy from school, the girl from the artists market, and a fair amount of mamas, papas, and kids. We enjoyed just being there and feeling like we were a part of something bigger.

(This essay was originally written for “Mama Sez No War.”)

Thoughts on the Art of Waiting

Thoughts on the Art of Waiting
Jara Ahrabi


This is the part of pregnancy and childbirth that no one tells you about: the waiting. Despite the fact that I am still five days from my official due date and twelve days from the day of my own calculation, and despite my knowledge that first babies often come “late,” I am all freaked out. This is the hardest waiting I have ever done.

I wander around the house as though looking for something. When the phone rings my first thought is, maybe this is it. When new email comes in, I pep up ever so slightly, as though it might be coming straight from my baby, telling me he is ready. Of course my child is not sending me email or telephoning, he is just hanging out in his little water bubble, waiting. He is waiting too.

Well-meaning people tell me to do things like sleep, go to the movies, get a pedicure, enjoy this time with my husband; go on dates, they say. But I don’t want to go on dates or get a pedicure. I want to have a baby. I want to have a baby today.

I am completely opposed to almost everything obstetricians do, but I even start to wonder if a wee shot of pitocin might be a good idea. When I say this aloud to my midwife, I know I have completely lost my grip on reality.

My mother has called me everyday this month. I don’t know if she is afraid that otherwise labor will start and the baby will be born and she won’t know it until afterwards (which is probably true) or if she is just as anxious as I am and has little to do but talk on the phone. She asks me everyday, “How is my grandson?” What am I supposed to say to that? He is upside down? He is kicking the dickens out of my lower right rib?

I wish that I could abandon my house, my family, my phone, and my computer and move off to a little beach house by myself (I might bring my husband) until the baby is born. I can barely stand going out in public, or even to family dinner, anymore. People ask how much longer. They say that they know how ready I must be. Somehow they say this in a condescending way. They look at my belly. Even though, I must say, it is a gorgeous belly, and I myself adore it, I wish other people would stop looking at it. In the beginning, I sent proud photos of myself to my friends, but now, towards the end of this pregnancy I feel that my privacy is being threatened. Pregnancy and childbirth seem like private and intimate things to me, and I am tired of sharing them. Some sort of old-fashioned confinement in these final weeks seems like a brilliant idea.

Afterword: My labor lasted 79 hours. My precious baby boy was welcomed into the world by a very patient midwife who has perfected the art of waiting.