Tuesday, April 4, 2006

The Conception Diaries

The Conception Diaries
Mariah Boone

Day One: Blood! Well, it’s about bloody time I had my period. My first getting-to-know-my-cycle-and-cervical-mucous cycle was 31 days long and the second was 30 days long and I seemed, according to the mucous, to be ovulating on the 17th or 18th day. Then this last cycle seemed the same mucous-wise but lasted 37 days! I no longer have any idea when I ovulate. Ah, well.

Day Two: Blood, blood, blood.

Day Three: Lots of blood. Very heavy period for me.

Day Four: No more blood. Time to start having lots of sex! Just a little more caffeine. No way I ovulate this early anyways.

Day Five: Lots more sex. They say not to skip days if you want a girl so we’re not going to skip days. I am still on the caffeine, though.

Day Six: Love all the sex. Last day of caffeine; then it’s cold turkey!

Day Seven: Tired. Head hurts. Want caffeine. We can skip one day of sex. Then it will be serious business!

Day Eight: Head is going to explode. Really. I may die. My staff is running when they see me. I am not enjoying the sex, either.

Day Nine: Day three of caffeine-detoxification. I am cheating for the first time. Day one wasn't so bad. Moderate headache and irritable, but I could distract myself from it. Yesterday I felt like my head would explode ALL DAY LONG. TODAY, too. Decided the cold turkey thing was for the birds. Am savoring just one cold coffee drink from the convenience store down the street at my desk. Mmmmmm. Headache's already getting better, though it is still pretty bad. Books say not to have more than two or three coffees PER DAY when pregnant (not that I'd go that far) and here I am killing myself with cold turkey...and I'm not even pregnant yet unless I had one extremely short cycle! Think I may let myself have ONE every other day if it is bad until the withdrawal is over. If the withdrawal stays this bad for more than another day and a half, that is. I have decided to let Mimosa watch cartoons all day tomorrow while I sleep. Geez, I think heroin withdrawal only lasts for a couple of days. It can't continue much longer, can it? Can it? Just one gorgeous sip left...

Day Ten: Headache is better, not good, but better. Very tired.

Day Eleven: Headache is gone! I am tired but the withdrawal is over. Heavens be praised! Spent a lovely afternoon playing at being pregnant at the health food store. Got pregnancy tea and organic yogurt and all sorts of goodies. Haven’t spent much time there since Mimosa was a toddler because our neighborhood grocery started carrying more vegetarian stuff. Feel like I’m renewing my relationship with the place. I’m daydreaming about organic baby food and all sorts of silly stuff…feels very pampering.

Day Twelve: Sex, sex, sex.

Day Thirteen: Starting to feel like this sex is rather dutiful and not so fun. Spicing things up a bit even if they do say the missionary position and no female orgasm is better for a girl.

Day Fourteen: Could be the important day but I don’t think so.

Day Fifteen: Starting to think my husband is tired of sex. Never thought I’d see the day. Feel a little wet but can’t really find any cervical mucous to see.

Day Sixteen: Feel wet but can’t find mucous. If I do ovulate on the 17th or 18th day, I shouldn’t be having sex this close to ovulation if I want a girl. Last cycle made me so unsure, though, that I’m not going to stop. Come what may.

Day Seventeen: Wet. Still don’t see any.

Day Eighteen: Wet. Still don’t see any. Ever so tired of sex.

Day Nineteen: Feel bloated and had three little on-the-side cramps. Worried me but then I thought: maybe ovulation! Not that I think I can tell anymore. Am daydreaming about a little girl with red-gold braids.

Day Twenty: Nervous about having fallen asleep and skipped yesterday. Convinced husband to put out.

Day Twenty-One: Got tired. Skipped the sex. Should be plenty of sperm swimming around in there already.

Day Twenty-Two: Skipped it. I only see white tacky stuff when I probe for mucous anyway.

Day Twenty-Three: Skipped it and worried about skipping it. More white, tacky stuff.

Day Twenty-Four: Sex seemed better again. Started having pregnancy test fantasies.
Had one test in the linen closet and bought three more today. Wasted the one from the linen closet. Knew it was too early to test. It would only barely be time with a sensitive test if I had ovulated on the Day Fourteen and I don’t think I did. I couldn’t resist, though. Can I make myself wait until 10 days after Day Nineteen of my cycle before I test again? I doubt it.

Day Twenty-Five: Up too late last night. Too tired for sex or anything.

Day Twenty-Six: Pretty decent sex.

Day Twenty-Seven: Felt slightly nauseated today but pregnancy nausea is not possible this early. Feel very protective of my middle and want to bite daughter when she goes careening wildly about anywhere near me. Wasted another test. Got very antsy. Went online to search for test with earliest results. Most I had never heard of but bought two of the earliest one I could find. Very embarrassing things to be carrying around at the grocery store; makes me feel like everyone is staring at me. May be what men feel like when we send them to the store for feminine hygiene products but why? Should at least wait until tomorrow to test again with the more sensitive test. Might…

Day Twenty-Eight: Didn’t. Now I have to make myself wait until tomorrow to try again.

Day Twenty-Nine: It’s getting a little close to the right time to detect things for me to be entirely comfortable that the sensitive test is still not detecting anything. And I feel all icky and bloated. Am worried. Very worried.

Day Thirty: One would think it is mighty close to time to find out one way or another. Not feeling abdominally fabulous which makes me worry about…I can’t even name the syndrome but you know what I mean. Got a couple more of the “sensitive” tests in the hope of using one tomorrow…and then I found real-for-sure egg white mucous! The most obviously egg white mucous I have ever found. On Day Thirty?! How confusing is that? Obviously, the sex train cannot safely stop chugging along yet, just in case, but…well…we’ll just have to see.

Day Thirty-One: Still not showing positive. Still no period.

Day Thirty-Two: Still no period.

Day Thirty-Three: Wasted another test. No positive result. No period.

Day Thirty-Four: Bought another sensitive test to go with the two normal ones in the closet in the bathroom. May take it tomorrow.

Day Thirty-Five: Took it. Really thought it would be the day. Felt absolutely queasy, but still not positive. Still no period. Bought another two.

Day Thirty-Six: Took One. Still negative. Still no period. Bought two more and tried the dipping-it-in-a-cup-of-pee method: still negative. Feel so queasy whenever my stomach starts to get empty that I think there must be something wrong with me if I’m not.

Day Thirty-Seven: Nothing.

Day Thirty-Eight: Nothing.

Day Thirty-Nine: My birthday. Would have been a nice day to get that positive result. I didn’t, though.

Day Forty: Still negative and still no period. I am not testing again (for real this time) until Day Forty-Four. That would be the day for results if that egg-white mucous on Day Thirty meant anything.

Day Forty-One: No period.

Day Forty-Two: No period.

Day Forty-Three: No period.

Day Forty-Four: Positive! I was worried I might have taken too long to read it (although I knew I hadn’t) so I drove to H-E-B at 6am and bought another and took it home and took it. Positive! It is! It is worth the wait. I left the test on the counter for my husband to find and made my way happily to work. So happily.

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