Herbie’s Bladder, Fully Loaded

Herbie’s Bladder, Fully Loaded
Christoph Meyer

Lisa, Herb, and I went to see The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Since we don’t have a TV at home but still love movies, it’s exciting that he’s old enough that we can go see an occasional movie as a family. Lisa and I used to be connoisseurs of arthouse flicks, but since Herb was born and we moved out to rural Ohio, two hours away from anything but a 6-screen theater that plays mostly crap, we’ve learned to appreciate seeing any movie, even the mindless Hollywood drivel produced for the rabble. I’m pretty certain that Hitchhiker’s Guide was actually a decent movie but the once highly-developed cinema critic portion of my brain has atrophied to such an extent in the past four years that I can’t say for certain.

After the movie, Herb says, “I gotta go pee-pee right now!” so I escort him into the bathroom, which has but one stall and one urinal, the former being occupied by another father and the latter being used by one of his two boys. While we wait our turn, Herb (almost 4 years old) goes off on a loud rambling monologue:

“You know Papa, I liked that movie.”

“Good, I’m glad you liked it. I liked it too.”

“Yeah I liked all of it. I even liked all the previews for all those stupid crazy movies that they showed before they showed the real movie. You know, I want to see some of those movies too, like the Herbie one about the car named Herbie. That one looked like it was funny ‘cause the car’s name was Herbie.”

At this point, the boy finishes using the urinal so Herbie steps up for his turn. The boys dawdle around the sink, waiting for their father to finish.

“I like these toilets for boys that make you stand up. Sometimes they’re too tall and I can’t pee-pee in them but this one is short so kids can pee-pee in it too. Why they don’t have any of these kinds of toilets in women’s bathrooms Papa?”

The father in the stall finishes and starts washing his hands in the sink. Herbie is talking very loudly. His voice fills the bathroom. Suddenly he has a revelation.

“Oh! I know why they don’t have these toilets in women’s bathrooms. It’s because Mamas don’t have penises. Isn’t that right Papa?”

The other father starts laughing, as do his boys. When we go out to the parking lot, their minivan is, of course, parked right next to our car. As we get in our car I’m telling the story to Lisa and I look over towards them and see the father telling his wife the exact same story. I don’t need to read lips to verify this; the boys are pointing at us excitedly and she’s laughing and sneaking glances our way.

On the drive home, Herbie’s jabbering away about the new Herbie the Lovebug movie, called Herbie Fully Loaded. The preview looked awful but there’s no way we’re going to miss that one.